Rescue Me

It's been a long time since I've updated last. I keep thinking of things I want to write about, but by the time I actually sit down to write, I've already forgotten the subject matter. And it also appears that these bits and pieces are getting more and more personal. However, as a writer, it's hard not to have your words reflect your feelings.

Recently I've come across a show that I've really, really enjoyed. It's a drama that's incredibly crude, rude, and tough to watch at times but unveils the dark, dirty fundamental aspects of humanity.

And it really is wonderful. I adore this show. A group of firefights face fires nearly everyday, risking their lives to help others, all the while finding it near impossibly to help themselves. They lie, they cheat, they steal, they curse, they beat each other up, they're prejudiced, and they all show a wide array of emotions.

I feel that this show has accurately portrayed the average person.

And now I've been reflecting. You see, when I watch this show, there are occasional scenes involving strong emotions in which I tear up. It's normal for me; I cry a little at really sad or really happy movies or television shows. However, a new variable has entered the equation: a strong, nearly physical pang of feeling in my chest. As in I actually clutch my chest as several strong floods of emotions rip through my body. It's kind of scary in some ways, but I also think it's a sign.

I don't play much music anymore. I hardly play any games with significant plot. I haven't had a real deep talk with anyone in the past few months. I hardly write anymore. I'm stressed from work, from bills, from my erratic sleep schedule... I think my body is struggling for an emotional release.

I think it's time for me to find that outlet. And I also think it's time for me to fix my insecurities and my unorganized life. However, one step at a time. First step completed: acknowledge that I have things to fix. Next step? Plan a schedule.

Oh yeah. And it's time to work on my confidence, too. Another part of my insecurities. It's time to ask someone on a date.

Rediscoveries

READER'S WARNING: This is a more personal post. Sorry for the inconvenient angst.

For a long time, I've feared that I may be making a very, very bad decision to help someone who at first appeared to desperately need help. And, over the past few weeks, this person has slowly eradicated all my financial stability. As unhappy as this fact makes me, it also helps me realize some things about myself.

1. I try to do good as much as possible, even when things seem a little off.
2. I have a weak will. Or rather, a will susceptible to stronger ones.

I'm a little okay with the first revelation, but the second one actually ticks me off. I had always thought myself as strong-willed since I have managed to avoid most peer pressure, I moved out of my parents' house of my own volition, and I've won the respect of all my peers. I never expected one person would be able to completely and utterly break down the defenses I had built and infiltrate my mind. *sigh*


Well, I guess it's a good thing I've realized this. I need to be able to say, "No." I need to be able to stand up for myself when I feel taken advantage of. I need to become a stronger person.

I need someone.

"Good News, Everybody!"

Oh? Really? Could this be the news I've been hoping for?!

This evening, a fellow associate of mine said something that made me feel like I was in high school again. What do you mean, "What the heck are you talking about?" Well, she told me, "Looks like you have a little admirer." Indeed, I was spending a little extra time with someone from work (due to a law-breaking citizen), but I could feel myself trying to keep my face from blushing! I was thoroughly surprised. I hadn't felt that way in a long, long time. And I'm smiling right now. Of course, along with that high school feeling also came slight insecurity and the ever-present, "Wait. Will this be reciprocated?" However, it's definitely a wonderful feeling.

However, I feel I must be very careful in both endeavors. I feel that I could easily be destroyed from the inside out by failing at either focus. I think it's time for me to revisit my Tarot post for some insight.

Yeah. Definitely close to having a panic attack.

Points of No Return

Tonight I'm focusing on a random subject for lack of better judgement. It is called a "Point of No Return." As in, once you do it/experience it, you can never go back. You know, kind of like a first kiss. Or, less naively, sex.

Er... No, I'm not going to talk about those. Silly readers.

Today I'm talking about

MANAGEMENT*

Indeed. Definitely a point of no return.

Now, before you enter management, you'll find yourself watching your own managers closely, studying them, trying to understand them. It is during these opportunities that you realize what they are doing wrong and how you would intend to fix it were you in their shoes.

Then comes the three R's.

Do I REALLY want this?
Am I READY to do this?
And is it the RIGHT thing to do?

After briefly contemplating these three sentences and weighing them against a career and increase in pay, I imagine you'd totally leap into management without a second thought.

Hmm... Guess what?

Surprise!

You see, as you take in more fiscal and job responsibility, you find the price to be the sacrifice of the likelihood of becoming friends with any of the people who work for you. There's no way to say, "Oh, hey guys! Sorry I was a manager today. You want to hang out?" and expect everyone to smile, nod, and declare that all is right in the world. In fact, if you successfully attain a hang out time, what do you really have to talk about?

1. Since you mainly know this/these associate(s) from work, common subject material...is work.
2. You do not cease to be a member of management in anyone's eyes at any time. You are and will always be the boss.
3. Wait, why don't they understand my frustrations and difficulties?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Since you've taken that plunge, your ignorance of the company you work for has been demolished. You suddenly find yourself looking at business models, fiscal numbers, and various gifts to appease your own bosses. So why don't your associates know why you had to cut back on hours and pay?

It's not important to them.

Pay? Important. Hours? Important. Ice Cream Sundays? Very Important. What anything pertaining to these things actually mean? Unimportant.

You see, while you're focused on the means, they're focused on the outcome. And they have every right to do so. In fact, YOU DID, TOO. As management, it's hard to acknowledge, but you used to be that way, too. You know, in that alternate Universe you refer to as "the past." With finger quotes.

So, while you're toiling over reports, trying to explain to your boss why you didn't meet budget, and your associates are glaring daggers at you for paying them far less than they expected, remember one thing:

It was your decision. And you went beyond the point of no return.

*note: these are late night ramblings not meant to offend though they hold the potential to do so. I apologize if you are, in fact, offended.

The Fool

I have recently been playing through a game called "Persona 3 FES," a re-released version of the original game with added bonuses and a full 30-hour sequel. I absolutely love this game.

And I'm losing a ton of sleep over it. In fact, my average length of sleep the past three nights has been four hours. This game seems to be absorbing my life.

However, even as I play it, I continually realize new things about myself.


See that card above? It's part of a 78-card Tarot deck. It's Number is 0 or unnumbered, depending on the version of the deck, and it is part of the 22 Trump cards that make up what is known as the Major Arcana. These cards are best known for divination. In fact, I'm quite positive you've seen them used in a movie/a television show/a game/real life at some point. Depending on the cards drawn, a seer would be able to read your future or fortune.

Anyway, The Fool is a very interesting card. It has several interpretations. First of all, though called "The Fool," the card is often a representation of the spirit in search of experience. Though the man in the picture is standing precariously close to what appears to be a sheer cliff, he is accompanied by the sun at his back, encouraging him on, and the dog at his heels, to bring him back to earth. Some also claim that The Fool is a crazed adventurer, about to fall to his death. Others consider him an experienced journeyman, preparing for a leap of faith in his next endeavor. And The Fool is always the beginning and the end, a symbol for what could be versus what must be. The Fool represents the ability to change, to live, and to journey. Once that change has finished, our life is lived, or our journey ends, we become something else, something more grounded.

I believe we are all Fools by nature, driven to journey and discover more about ourselves. It's a part of being human. We are a curious people, always poking our noses where they don't belong and finding ourselves waist-deep in crocodile-infested waters. Yipes. However, these things define us. Even parents who seem to settle into their lives with children and grandchildren live vicariously through others and continually pursue self-discovery, even if there is no physical journey to be made. All things stem from The Fool and all it stands for.

However, there are 21 other cards in the Major Arcana set. What are they? As portrayed through Persona 3, these cards are the people and experiences that you come across through your journey as The Fool. And as you go through these experiences and build relationships with the people you meet, you strengthen the powers of these other 21 cards and how they impact you. The Fool is a bit of a wild card, but a wild card is useless without a proper hand...and that is why we imbue our lives with 21 others.

Now, I'm not saying that there are exactly 21 other people and relationships to experience and discover. You may meet three or four different people who all share similar circumstances and therefore share the same Arcana. And it is important, as The Fool, to strengthen these cards, to fill these cards with power and strength, for they fuel the power of your own Arcana, The Fool, since it is dependent on that proper hand to be implemented most efficiently. Without the 21 other Arcanas, The Fool's number, 0, will remain empty.

I encourage you to seek out these relationships, work on them, support them, and do not give up on them, for failing to do any of these things is a reflection of your own failure.

Here's a little fun to be had. These are the other 21 cards of the Major Arcana. Can you identify what part of your life they may relate to? A person? An experience? A future?

1. The Magician
-represents action and initiative...but also immaturity
2. The Priestess
-represents contemplation and hidden knowledge
3. The Empress
-represents motherhood and the life it brings forth
4. The Emperor
-represents fatherhood, leadership, and decision-making skills
5. The Hierophant
-represent formality and knowledge, as well as religion
6. The Lovers
-represents choice and consciousness
7. The Chariot
-represents personal victory
8. Justice
-represents the knowledge of right and wrong
9. The Hermit
-represents the inward search for answers within the heart
10. Fortune
-represents fate and the choices that come with it
11. Strength
-represents both passion and self-control
12. The Hanged Man
-represents the inability to take action
13. Death
-represents spiritual death
14. Temperance
-represents the balancing of opposites
15. The Devil
-represents temptation
16. The Tower
-represents destruction and disillusionment
17. The Star
-represents hope and serenity
18. The Moon
-represents illusion or deception
19. The Sun
-represents happiness and achievement
20. Judgement
-represents redemption and renewal
21. The World
-represents completeness or fulfillment

Each card can be taken by interpretation, so there are no true answers. But that is the beauty of tarot cards: they enable a person to interpret their own life, reflect on one's past decisions, and prepare oneself for the choices ahead.

Good luck.

...oh! I just drew a card. Care to know its outcome...?

...and in some instances, maybe we're best off not knowing?

...In With the New

Greetings. Salutations? Of course.

Welcome to a blog that I have yet to understand. In actuality, I was encouraged to create a blog. I originally had no desire to blog. About anything. I figured, "You know, it'd just end up being a journal where I complain about life and vent until I feel better."

Guess what? I was right.

However, in addition to my daily musings and delayed frustrations of everyday life, I also intend to keep up-to-date with random news and eccentric ideas that float across the Internet. I will warn you: most things you read here will be:

1. Video Game Related
2. Completely out of Context
3. Gibberish that not even I can understand*

*note: #3 applies to #'s 1-2

And so I bid thee farewell with a simple modest opening post that does absolutely nothing for you or me. This was mostly a warning of sorts.

There will be wormholes.

...and whatnot.

Not necessarily in that order.